Best Insulting words!

1. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
2. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
4. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?
5. At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!
6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing
7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!
8. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!
11. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
12. Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?
13. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
14. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
15. Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
16. Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.
17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.
18. He has a mind like steel trap-always closed!
19. You are a man of the world-and you know what sad shape the world is in.
20. He is always lost in thought-it's unfamiliar territory.

Dimana ada dua atau tiga orang berkumpul...

Seorang paderi muda bertanya kepada seorang paderi yang sudah lanjut usianya, kenapa ia kelihatan tak happy.
Fr.1: "Helo..Father. Kenapa nampak macam risau saja?
Fr.2: "Apa tidak risau! Sejak kebelakangan ini sifat beberapa umat membuat saya risau sekali."
Fr.1:"Kenapa pula?"
Fr.2:"Kau tau. Dulu biasanya "Dimana dua atau tiga orang berkumpul" memang jelas sekali kehadiran Tuhan ditengah-tengah mereka. Kerana mereka berkumpul untuk membaca Alkitab dan berdoa. Tetapi kini.......lain sudah! Mereka berjudi bah!

(Tidak baiklah berjudi terutama di masa ada Kematian.)

Money

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty -dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. Why? Because I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Pastor's mother

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired..
"No." he said..
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

Kentut?

Tiba-tiba ketenangan didalam Kelas Tadika dipecahkan dengan suatu "keharuman yang aneh" sekali. Lalu Guru kelas berlegar-legar didalam kelas ini kerana ingin tahu. Fikirnya jangan-jangan ada budak yang kentut nii. Ya! memang benar sangkaannya.
Cikgu: " Boboi! Kau kentutkah?"
Boboi: "Tidaklah......."
Cikgu: "Tapi...saya terhidu macam kau bau-bau nii."
Boboi:"Emmmmm....minta maaf cikgu saya tidak kentut. Saya NOKOSIRIT..."

(Nota. Nokosirit didalam bahasa Dusun bererti terkeluar tahi sikit-sikit. Biasanya gara-gara menahan kentut. He he he.)

Makan kedai

Ibu: "Bah! Anak-anak cepat-cepat. Mami tidak ada masa masak hari ini. Jadi kita pegi makan kedai.Cepat! saya lapar ni!" Tiba-tiba seorang daripada anaknya yang baru-baru saja masuk kelas satu berkata: "Saya tidak mau pegi......"
Ibu: "Kenapa pula? Sedap bah makan kedai...sayang..."
Anak:"Tidak mau. Nanti patah-patah lah gigi saya mami. Karas bah tu kedai...batu dan simen bah tuu."
Ibu: "Luyur buruk! Mantang-mantanglah dah masuk sekolah! Yaa....lah. Ya...lah...Kita bukan makan kedai. Kita pegi makan di kedai!"

(Nota: Luyur=Lawyer/Peguam)

Remember me....

Bagus betul ini lagu...."Remember me this way.
Cuba-cuba gia dengar. Bikin keluar air mata juga kalau ada seseorang yang benar-benar anda MISS @ Rindu tapi dah.........gia tiada.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjSTwF2a7DQ

Sungguh bertuah!

Dua orang kawan yang sedarjah semasa di bangku sekolah secara kebetulan bertemu di Supermarket. Memang menyoronokkan terutama sekali bila bercerita tentang kisah lalu. Akhirnya mereka bercakap mengenai perkahwinan.
Bakar: "Apa macam bini yang kau dapat?"
Mamai: "Hey....saya punya bini macam malaikat bah. Baik betul tapi dia dah pergi dua tahun yang lalu. Kadang-kadang tuu...saya rindu betul dengan dia.."
Bakar:"Wah! Kau memang betul-betul bertuah. Saya nii......Huhh! Bini masih hidup bah!"

Really lucky!

Two friends met after forty years. It was a wonderful occasion. Finally their topic was on marriage.
Max: "What kind of a wife did you get?
Jon : "My wife is an angel. Yess....she was so wonderful!"
Max: "She WAS.......you mean..."
Jon : "She passed away two years ago."
Max: "Wow! You are really lucky. My wife is still alive!"

Cakap saya bilang!

Kelas darjah satu tiba-tiba berbau. Guru kelas
bertanya kepada kanak-kanak didalam kelas.
"Siapa kentut nii? Bau betul? Cakap! Cakap!
Semua kanak-kanak diam sahaja. ? Guru bertanya lagi.
"Cakap saya bilang! Cakap! Siapa yang kentut?"
Tapi, kanak-kanak semuanya diam. Tapi, tiba-tiba seorang anak angkat tangan.
"Oh.....kau yang kentut yaa..." jeling guru dengan mata yang tajam.
"Tidak Cikgu... Tidak,"kata anak itu.
"Jadi, kenapa kau angkat tangan?"
"Emmmm.....tiada yang cakap-cakap. Cikgu saja. Barangkali cikgu yang kentut...." kata anak itu dengan suara yang terketar-ketar sambil menutup mulutnya. Ini diikuti dengan "Ha ha ha haaa.... " dari semua murid. Hati guru bagaikan dikejutkan dengan petir dan kilat tapi masih.....mampu tersenyum lebar. Bukan apa! Tapi, macam logik pula kata-kata anak yang comel ini(fikir guru berkenaan).
" Adoi giaa.....Cuteeee........betul kau boy........" katanya sambil menahan sabar tapi perut bergerak-gerak juga kerana menahan ketawa. He he he ....

Too much of screen saver!

A man came up to the gate of heaven and God wasn't sure what to do with him. On one hand, he gave a lot of charity, but on the other hand, he did a terrible things. So God decided to give him a choice of whether he wanted to go to heaven or hell.

The man said: "Well, what are heaven and hell like?"
God takes him to heaven where he sees a group of holy men and women reading over various holy texts. Then, He takes him to hell where he sees a beautiful beach with palm treee and a lot of sexy girls. Without giving it much thought, the man says, "I'll take hell."

A few days later, God goes down to see how the man is doing, and he's so angry. "It's sooooo hot here! This isn't what I saw before!"To which God replies, "I'm sorry, you must have seen too much of screen saver!"

J.K.R

Singkatan J.K.R yang sebenarnya (bererti Jabatan Kerja Raya ) memang popular kerana ia biasanya dikaitan dengan usik-usikkan "Jangan Kerja Rajin." Kata orang, ini ada kaitan dengan banyak kejadian dimana kerja atau projek yang dikendalikan oleh jabatan ini selalu saja lambat siap. Betulkan? Tidak semua begitulah...Walau bagaiman pun ada juga kebenaran usikkan ini. Sebab itu, baiklah jika ianya diubah supaya ianya berbentuk seruhan dan amaran: "Jaga! Kerja Rajin-rajin!! Kalau tidak kena buang kerja!"

Selain daripada itu. ada juga orang yang berpendapat bahawa singkatan ini juga boleh diberi perbagai erti. Contohnya adalah seperti dibawa:
Jasa Kepada Rakyat(Kata seorang Menteri)
Jangan Kuat Rasuah(Khas untuk orang-orang macam-macam!)
Jauh-jauh Kentut. Rosak!(Suatu teguran yang berbisa)
Jangan Kacau Rina(Nama kekasih lah tuu..).
Jantung Ku Resah(Ada masalah bah).
Jatuh Kepada Rasuah(Tidak berdaya menolak godaan RM).
Jaguh Kasi Rasuah(Sikit-sikit, kasih rasuah).
Jahat.Kedekut.Rosak!
Jalan Kena Rosak.
Jauhilah Kejahatan & Rasuah.

Marah-marah

Seorang ibu bertanya kepada suaminya,"Kenapa kau
marah-marah itu anak-anak petang tadi?"
"Saya bukan marah-marah tuu! Saya teriak-teriak
saja bah tuu..."jawapnya sambil besahaja.

Kek kahwinlah!Wedding cake!

Seorang doktor memberi ceramah kesihatan kepada para warga emas yang kebanyakannya dah menjangkau umur diantara 65 tahun sehingga 75 tahun.
Dia bertanya:" Tahukan kamu apakah makanan yang paling merbahaya dan yang boleh membawa kesengasaraan sepanjang hidup kamu?"
"Makanan yang terlalu banyak garam" kata seorang wanita yang dah putih sekali rambutnya.
"Yaa.....boleh diterima. Ada lagi jawapan lain.."
"Yang manis-manis" sahut seorang wanita yang gigi depannya dah hilang.
"Yaa....betul juga. Ada lagi jawapan lain?"
Tiba-tiba seorang lelaki tua yang kelihatan seperti marah, berdiri dan dengan suara yang kuat berkata"Kek kahwinlah! Wedding cake!!!