Kerabau

Diana: "Rita, laki saya kan bertambah berat badan sejak kami kahwin. Gemuk bah dia sekarang. Adakah cara kasi kurangkan berat badan cara kampung-kampung punya?"
Rita: "Ada bah tuu. Kamu ada kerabaukah?"
Diana: "Ada. Kenapa?
Rita:"Bah, kau suruh laki kau naik kerabau dan kasi lari itu kerabau kira-kira lima atau lapan kali pusing itu padang setiap hari. Bah, cubalah bilang sama dia. Nanti minggu depan kita jumpa lagi kio..."
(SELEPAS SEMINGGU)
Rita: "Diana, apa macam sekarang laki kau? Tambah hansemkah? Sudah kurus sikit-sikitkah?"
Diana"Huhhhhhhh! Bukan dia yang kurus.... Kerabau yang kurus!"(Ha!Ha ha ha...)

(Nota: Bah, rajin-rajinlah bersukan. Dan jangan talampau makan dan minum dengan pusas! Pandai-pandailah JAGA BADAN. Sayang-sayanglah itu badan. Nanti sakit-sakit sendiri juga yang sengsara. Dan bikin kasi susah orang lagi tuu! He he he...)

Pisang berbuah dua kali...

Guru bertanya kepada murid Kelas Tahun Satu erti "Pisang berbauh dua kali."

Guru : "Kamal apa maksud "Pisang berbuah dua kali."
Murid: "Untung besar, cikgu."
Guru : "Salah!"
Murid:"Cikgu, kenapa pula? Salahkah pisang berbuah dua kali? Untung bah tuu...."

(Guru pun garu-gara kepala sambil tersenyum. Kerana memang

ada ke-logik-an jawapan budak tu. )

Bukti yang kukuh!

"Marahkah nii?"
"Saya bukan marah."
"Kenapa tinggikan suara?
"Untuk pastikan kau dengar apa saya cakaplah.Bodoh!"
"Bah! Marah lah nii?"
"Kau perlukan bukti yang kukuh?"
"Yaa....tapi apa maksud kau?
Tub! Tub! Tub!
"Kenapa kau tumbuk saya? Aduh...Aduh..."
"Bah! kau mau bukti yang kukuh kan? Rasakan...."

Lawyer buruk!

Seorang pekerja didapati "curi tulang".

Boss: "Apa kau ni ! Malas!

Pekerja: "Boss....saya bukan malas. Saya tak suka terlalu banyak aktiviti bah... "

Boss: "Lawyer buruk!"

Pekerja: "Kalau saya Lawyer, Boss. Saya tak kerja sini mah..."

Boss:"LUYAR BURUK!!!

Pekerja: Boss....kalau saya lawyer. Saya saman kau!"

Sama saja!

Seorang gadis manja berkata,"Bapa, saya akan memutuskan pertunangan saya dengan John."

"Kenapa pula?" soal bapa sambil memegang tangan anak kesayangannya itu.

"Sebab John terlalu cerewet! Sikit-sikit menegur.Malaslah saya asyik kena tegur!" katnya sambil menghentak-hentak kakinya ke lantai. Dan kebetulan pada saat John datang dan berkata:

"Kenapa main hentak-hentak nii. Tak baik begitu didepan bapa."

"Nah kan bapa! Betulkan cakap saya! Johan memang selalu macam ini. Bosanlah saya!"

"Eyeh! Nama dia John lah....bukan Johan."

"Huh! Bapa pun sama saja! Malas saya!

Siapa yang Hebat?

Beruang: "Kalau saya menguam didalam hutan, seluruh haiwan didalam hutan mengigil ketakutan!"

Singa: "Kalau saya menguam didalam hutan, semua binatang didalam hutan akan ketakutan dengan saya!"

Babi:" Kalau saya batuk sekali saja..... seluruh dunia akan hidup didalam ketakutan.(He he he he...)

Animal Talks

A bear, a lion and a pig meet.

Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."

Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet lives in fear.

Beware of "Swine flu"(H1N1)

Beza lampu

Dua orang tua sedang berborak-borak:

A: Mann.....apakah perbezaan diantara lampu bilik dengan lampu stadium?
B: Ahh....senang bah tuuu!
A: Bah! jawaplah....
B: Lampu bilik kecil, tidak mahal dan tak begitu terang. Lampu stadium pula besar, terang betul dan mahal lagi tuu.
A: Betul juga jawapan kau tu. Tapi bukan jawapan ini yang saya cari.
B:Jadi, apa jawapanya.
A: Lampu bilik, kalau main, tutup lampu. Kalau lampu stadium, kalau main, dipasang terang-teranglah. (He he he...).
B: Cisss.....loyar buruk! Tapi, logik juga yaa....(He he he..)

Best Insulting words!

1. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
2. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
4. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?
5. At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!
6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing
7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!
8. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!
11. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
12. Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?
13. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
14. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
15. Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
16. Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.
17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.
18. He has a mind like steel trap-always closed!
19. You are a man of the world-and you know what sad shape the world is in.
20. He is always lost in thought-it's unfamiliar territory.

Dimana ada dua atau tiga orang berkumpul...

Seorang paderi muda bertanya kepada seorang paderi yang sudah lanjut usianya, kenapa ia kelihatan tak happy.
Fr.1: "Helo..Father. Kenapa nampak macam risau saja?
Fr.2: "Apa tidak risau! Sejak kebelakangan ini sifat beberapa umat membuat saya risau sekali."
Fr.1:"Kenapa pula?"
Fr.2:"Kau tau. Dulu biasanya "Dimana dua atau tiga orang berkumpul" memang jelas sekali kehadiran Tuhan ditengah-tengah mereka. Kerana mereka berkumpul untuk membaca Alkitab dan berdoa. Tetapi kini.......lain sudah! Mereka berjudi bah!

(Tidak baiklah berjudi terutama di masa ada Kematian.)

Money

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty -dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. Why? Because I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Pastor's mother

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired..
"No." he said..
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

Kentut?

Tiba-tiba ketenangan didalam Kelas Tadika dipecahkan dengan suatu "keharuman yang aneh" sekali. Lalu Guru kelas berlegar-legar didalam kelas ini kerana ingin tahu. Fikirnya jangan-jangan ada budak yang kentut nii. Ya! memang benar sangkaannya.
Cikgu: " Boboi! Kau kentutkah?"
Boboi: "Tidaklah......."
Cikgu: "Tapi...saya terhidu macam kau bau-bau nii."
Boboi:"Emmmmm....minta maaf cikgu saya tidak kentut. Saya NOKOSIRIT..."

(Nota. Nokosirit didalam bahasa Dusun bererti terkeluar tahi sikit-sikit. Biasanya gara-gara menahan kentut. He he he.)

Makan kedai

Ibu: "Bah! Anak-anak cepat-cepat. Mami tidak ada masa masak hari ini. Jadi kita pegi makan kedai.Cepat! saya lapar ni!" Tiba-tiba seorang daripada anaknya yang baru-baru saja masuk kelas satu berkata: "Saya tidak mau pegi......"
Ibu: "Kenapa pula? Sedap bah makan kedai...sayang..."
Anak:"Tidak mau. Nanti patah-patah lah gigi saya mami. Karas bah tu kedai...batu dan simen bah tuu."
Ibu: "Luyur buruk! Mantang-mantanglah dah masuk sekolah! Yaa....lah. Ya...lah...Kita bukan makan kedai. Kita pegi makan di kedai!"

(Nota: Luyur=Lawyer/Peguam)