Anjing pintar

Dua orang minta puji pasal kepintaran anjing masing-masing.
A: Anjing saya ini pintar betul. Setiap pagi dia tunggu itu penghantar suratkhabar dan kemudian dia  berikan suratkhabar itu kepada saya. Pintar betul ini anjing saya nii...
B: Saya tahu dah...
A: Bagaimana kau tau?
B: Anjing saya kasi tau saya mah....

(Jangan terlalu minta puji. Nanti sendiri kena keji gara-gara terlampau minta puji).

Promosi make up.

A: "Ini barang-barang promosi. Make-up khas dan dijamin berkesan. Kalau pakai, sampai tua pun tetap pakai juga....!"
B: "Ahhh! Iklan kau memang hebat! Tapi,  kalau dah tua. Muka tetap "kurudot" juga bah! Buang duit saja."
A: "Betul cakap aunti, tapi sekurang-kurang "kurudot" tapi masih ada make-up.
(Hehehe.........)

Mulau!(Gila!)

A: "Hai Boy! Nampak macam sedih aje niii..."
B: "Anjing saya mati bah..."
A: "Itu pun sedih sangat."
B: "Dia mati tanpa meninggalkan WASIAT BAH!
A: "Mulau!"

Mabuk

Seorang lelaki yang mabuk menahan sebuah taxi:
"Tuan, hantar saya ke pub Bistro KK."
"Boss sudah berada didepan Bistro KK."
"Ok. Tuan. Nah! Ini tambang. Lain kali jangan terlampau laju!"

(Bah, Berhati-hati dengan  minuman yang boleh memabukkan. Kerana kemabukan boleh menyebabkan kita buat perkara-perkara bodoh atau jahat.)

Nasip

A: Kau sungguh bernasip  baik kerana kena loteri!
B: Ah! Nasip-nasip saja bah tuu.
A: Memang kau ada nasip.
B: Jangan susah lain kali kau pun ada nasip.
A: Harap-harap ada nasiblah...
B: Bah, pasang lagi  "tungkasip"bah. Mau tau ada nasib.
A: Bah..Kita sama-sama cari nasip kio....
B: Aikkk! Si Nasip datang sudah. Mari kita minta nasip dari dia.
A: Oi! Nasip! Mari sini sebentar..
N: Kamu panggil-panggil nii minta nasip kah?
A: Yaa....
N: Saya mana ada nasip....Tungkasip saya pasang, tupai pun tak dapat.
B: Inilah yang dinamakan nama Nasip tapi belum ada nasip!
(Hehehehehe...........)

Bau!

1: "Wah! Amoi aahh...Make-up kamu memang hebat sekali! Tapi....."
2: "Tapi APA?!"
1: " Rasa-rasanya kamu bau....."
2: "Heee.....Sori........kehabisan minyak WANGI BAH!"

(Nota: Kalau tak mau bau-bau. Balik-balik aje mandi bah! Pasti tiada bau!)

Merokok

Seorang orang muda(Om) yangbatuk-batuk berjumpa dengan seorang doktor.
Dr.: Kamu, Sakit apa?
Om: Batuk-batuk, doktor?
Dr.: Kamu merokok?
Om:Iyaaa....
Dr.: Nah itulah penyebabnya. Merokok itu membahayakan kesihatan badan. Maka ada baiknya kamu berhenti saja merokok. Ia membakar dan membuang wang saja. Lagi pun merokok ini bagaikan mati pelahan-lahan.
Om.: Tuan doktor, saya tidak terburu-buru untuk mati.(Hehehe....).

Lambat

Cikgu bertanya kepada seorang murid yang lambat datang ke sekolah.
" Ah Beng, kenapa lambat datang ke sekolah hari ini?"
"Jam lambat bangun, Cikgu."(Hehehe...).

Janggut

Seorang imam yang punya janggut panjang memberi kotbah yang baik sekali sehingga seorang tua yang duduk didepan menitiskan airmata. Selepas sembayang, imam itu bertanya kepada orang tua itu.

"Bahagian mana kotbah yang menyentuh bapa tadi sehingga menitikkan airmata?"

"Sebenarnya, minggu lalu kambing saya hilang. Jadi, tadi bila saya melihat janggutmu yang panjang itu, saya teringatkan kambing saya."

(Hehehe......)

(Bah! Lain kali jangan terlalu awal mengira hasil. Kata orang, jangan mengira anak ayam sebelum telur menetas.)

Bapa kau bah tuu!

Anak kecil bertanya," Mak orang yang lawa dan kampis(kecil) perut didalam album tuu siapa?"
Mak: "Bapa kau bah tuu..."
Jawapan maknya ini membuat anak menjadi  bingung@ garuh kepala.
Anak: "Jadi.....siapa lelaki yang buncit perut yang ada dirumah kita nii?
Mak""Bapa kau bah tuu!
Anak: "Jadi....saya ada dua bapa dan mak punya dua laki kah?
Mak:" Celaka punya anak!"
Anak:" Jadi, saya anak Si Celaka kah?
(Mak lagi marah.Bah......ajar anak bagus-bagus.)

Goft

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an

exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he

just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and

persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.


As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton

headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.


This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew

from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone.

After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in

church!


At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while

looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going

to let him get away with this, are you?"


The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."


Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight

towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell

into the hole.


IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!


St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked,

"Why did you let him do that?"


The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

(Note: Please do not skip Church service).

Mati?

A: Kenapa manusia mati?
B: Kerana kena penyakit. Ada yang kena langgar. Ada pula yang kena bunuh dan macam-macam lagi sebablah.......
A: Semua jawapan kau salahlah!
B: Aikkk! Kenapa pula???
A: Sebab semua manusia mati kerana PUTUS NYAWALAH! HABIS NAFAS LAH...
     (Hehehehehe....)

Apa yang penting?

A: Apa yang penting? Bulan atau matahari? Pilih satu saja.
B: Saya fikir matahari.
A: Sila jelaskan alasan anda.
B: Kerana matahari bersinar terang pada masa kita perlukan. Bulan pula bersinar pada masa kita tak perlukannya. Orang nak tidurlah!
A: Macam tak masuk akal tapi .......macam betul pula!
B: Hehehehe........pelik tapi ada kebenarannya mah...

Best Husband

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

Dulu...duit

Si Gaman bilang: " Dulu oku mati-mati kumpul duit untuk masa depanku. Tapi bila ku fikir betul-betul, masa depanku dikuburan pula. Dan duit yang ku  kumpul-kumpul diurang yang UNTUNG.....Kini oku tak kisah lagi pasal duit. Walau bagaimana pun, hari-hari saya cari duit jugalah....sebab tada kerja lain bah! Lagi pun duit tak jatuh dari langit bah! Hehehe......"

Husband & Blind man

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick - we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.

Faithfullness;Marriage

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket!."

BR1M...?

Tuan YB, apa bah itu BR1M?
BR1M  bererti Bantuan Rakyat Satu Malaysia, bah  tu Gaman.
Baguslah tu....Apa yang  buli saya dapat?
Tusin Gaman. RM500....dan kalau sampai hari mengundi, jangan lupa
tanda itu sap timbangan kio...
Ohh....kalau macam tu....BR1M itu bererti Bagi Rasuah Satu Malaysia. Ngamkah tu YB?
Issssss...tidak bogia. Tapi...Yang memberi biasalah mendapat balasan juga mah....Paham-pahamlah Gaman.
Yaaa......pahamlah. Setiap perbuatan yang baik memang ada udang sebalik batu bah kan?
Tak semestinya....kerana tidak semestinya  ada udang bila batu ditunggang-balikkan bah!
Betul juga. Hehehe.....ARAMAI TII!